My dad watching a show on Animal Planet: “She’s a good lookin’ broad to be trouncin’ around out there in the woods.”

My dad watching MILLION DOLLAR ROOMS featuring the home of BCBGs Lubov & Max Azria: “That ceiling looks like shit.”

My dad watching HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL: “I think that real estate agent is gay.”

NICK: I talked to your Mother today. I always talk to that pretty picture of her. (This photo I’m posting) ME: What did you talk about? NICK: I asked her if she knew what day it was. ME: What did she say? NICK: She said she didn’t know. ME: What did you say? NICK: I…

Conversation with my dad after dinner tonight… ME: Did you like your chicken? NICK: It was different. ME: How do you mean different? It was just chicken. NICK: It was a little hard to cut. And chew. I’m a vegetarian who never cooks meat. I didn’t want my dad to get sick on undercooked chicken,…

My dad telling me about his dinner conversation tonight with the lovely ladies hereby known as the Two Pats. PAT 1 TO NICK: “You can WALK?” NICK: “Yeah I walk.” PAT 1 TO PAT 2: “He walks!” PAT 2: “And he DRIVES!” PAT 1: “He DRIVES?” Apparently my dad is wowing the ladies with his…