“She’s a hell of a woman. Oh God. Really something to look at.” – Nick Goich

NICK: So it looks like Zsa Zsa hit the silk. ME: Yep. Poor thing, it was a long time coming. Ninety-nine years old – that’s a long life. NICK: She was quite a woman. ME: Yes she was. NICK: Sexy. ME: Very sexy in her day. NICK: She knew her shit. Married nine times. You…

NICK: I asked my residents at the “Table of Knowledge” (that’s what they call the breakfast table at my dad’s independent living facility), “What the hell’s a Wikileak?” All I’m hearing on Fox News is Wikileak this and Wikileak that. ME: I can’t even explain to you how to use your email, I don’t know…

NICK: That card you sent me is a big hit here today! ME: Oh good! (THE CARD HAD A WORKING FAN INSIDE TO BLOW AWAY FARTS – YOU KNOW – AS WE SEND IN THE GOICH FAMILY) NICK: Lisa who works here asked what it meant. I said, well, it’s funny because I used to…

ME: Are you having a memorial day celebration today? NICK: Tomorrow. ME: What are they going to do there? NICK: They’re going to have an orchestra of some kind. Music of some kind. Some singing, whatever. ME: An orchestra and some singing? NICK: When I say the orchestra, that’s a single. A guy that comes…

A heart wrenching Memorial Day moment between a daughter and her 94-year-old WWII vet father: ME: What are you doing on Memorial Day? NICK: I’m having dinner. ME: It’s 1:00 there. NICK: We eat dinner at 1 on Sunday. ME: Well, I just wanted to say “Thank you for fighting for our country.” NICK: (LOUDER…

ME: Is John Kasich Serbian? NICK: It sure as hell sounds like he is. Kah-sich. That’s how we say it, Kah-sich. ME: Then why does he pronounce it Case-ik? NICK: Who the hell knows, but it’s not right. He’s not saying it right. It’s like that golfer, Matt Kuchar. He pronounces his name Koo-cher. Now…

NICK: So Elvira invited me up to her apartment. ME: She did?!? Well…! NICK: Yeah, she said her TV wasn’t working. ME: Likely story. NICK: So the first thing I try is the batteries on the remote. Sure enough, that was the problem! I went down to my room, got two AAs and – there…

ME: What did you do for St. Patrick’s Day?  NICK: This guy comes here and sings for us. ME: Oh that’s fun! NICK: Yeah, this is what he knows…”When Irish eyes are smiling…la la la la la la…” He’s got no repertoire! ME: What do you mean “no repertoire?” NICK: He doesn’t know the words!…

ME: Did you watch the Oscars last night? NICK: I turned it on and heard a little of Kid Rock’s speech then fell asleep.

My dad’s take on the possibility of Donald Trump becoming president: NICK: Well that Melania will certainly be the most SEXUAL first lady we’ve ever had. Oh boy! ME: What about Martha Washington? NICK: I’m sure some found her attractive.