A LESSON IN NATURE VS. NURTURE: This morning I’m talking to my (almost) 93-year-old dad. He is explaining the Hillary Clinton phone story to me. I’m noticing that the story is sounding kind of slanted. So I say to my die-hard Democrat, blue-collar dad… ME: You seem to be leaning a little ‘right’ there there,…

ME: I have good news about my book! NICK: I was on the can when you called earlier. ME: Did you hear me? I said I had good news about my book. NICK: Yeah, we went to Djoko’s funeral today. Then I came back and lost my ass at bingo. ME: (SILENCE) NICK: So did…

My dad’s assessment of The Dirty Dozen Brass Band: “Are those songs that they’re playing?” ‪#‎detjazzfest‬

ME: How was your picnic yesterday, Father? (referring to his independent living facility’s summer picnic) NICK: Oh it was fun. The girls picked out a real nice spot for us. Really close to the johns.

I think my dad made a dirty joke today. NICK: I’m going to go play bingo tonight downstairs. ME: Is Saturday bingo night? NICK: Every night is bingo night. We’re die hards here. ME: I don’t think “die hard” is a term you want to use at Northpointe Assisted Living. NICK: Some of us die…

My dad’s review of the GRAMMY Awards: NICK: There was a lot of ass. That Beyoncé and Gaga (I think he meant Pink) with their asses exposed. A lot of people here were complaining about that. But that Paul ‘McCarthy’ was good. Really good.

ME: I joined a gym. NICK: What are you trying to look like that girl, Molly? ME: Who’s Molly? NICK: You know the one in New York. ME: I don’t know who you’re talking about. New York? Molly? Is she a friend of mine? NICK: You know who I’m talking about! The one on TV….

“It’s because they don’t let Catholic priests marry that they turn (waves hands) ‘Aces Deuces.’ ”

NICK: Joe died. “Giuseppi,” as we called him. They had a sign-in sheet at the desk for the bus to his funeral. ME: Did you go? NICK: No. No one signed up. ME: That’s sad. NICK: But 7 people signed up to go to the casino. ME: LOL. At least they have their priorities. Poor…

While discussing world affairs this morning with my dad – in particular, the situation in Syria – my dad says: “…And here we are now between a s*** and a sweat!” That sums it up, I guess.

Conversation with my dad regarding the newly crowned independent living facility King & Queen: ME: So you didn’t get voted king this year? How is that possible? NICK: Nope. John and Grace won. And John doesn’t even know as many people as I do – he’s got dementia! Guess you gotta have dementia to win around…

My dad’s joke for my comedy act: “What do they say at the French Cathouse?” (PAUSE) “C’est La V.D.” I’m opening with that.