Today my dad informed me that his not-girlfriend, Elvira (the 95 year old), is on a diet. She doesn’t want to be fat like Mary and Edna so she only eats salads at lunch. This was disheartening for me to know that, even at 95, I’ll feel like I need to diet. As opposed to…

ME: So what’s been happening over at your place the past couple of days? NICK: Ah, we lost another one. Jim Gallagher. He was only here two months and then he hit the silk. ME: (OMG, ‘Hit the silk…’) That’s sad. NICK: I tell ya what’s sad – the hot roast beef sandwiches they serve…

Today my dad told the story about arguing with two people with Alzheimer’s in his current affairs discussion group. You can’t make this stuff up.

I wish I could have transcribed my dad’s entire ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ review here from this morning’s conversation, but I was driving and couldn’t write it down. I know I’m missing some nuggets, but here are some highlights: NICK: Beyonce was very good, she’s got some gams on her. Lady Gaga, all together different but equally as…

Nick Goich’s New Year’s sentiment… ME: Did you do anything fun last night for New Year’s Eve? NICK: We had dinner at noon, played bingo at 2 and had a party at 6. ME: Was the party fun? NICK: Fun? Nobody knows the songs! They don’t sing the songs, they just verbalize them! ‘Auld Lang…

Today’s truncated conversation with my dad: NICK: Blah, blah blah I had the shits, blah blah blah, constipated, blah blah blah, my bum knee…and what’s this I saw on the news that Guns ‘n’ Roses is getting back together?

This is how Google Voice transcribed my dad’s message to me: “Yeah, you better serve the member services your beautiful ass package really nice Bye.” This is what he actually said: “Yeah, you made the Srbobran. November 5th issue. Beautiful ad page. Really nice. Bye.” LOL…I couldn’t figure out what “beautiful ass package” my dad…

My dad just left me a voice mail letting me know that the Republican debate is on tonight live from Simi Valley. The girls in the short skirts on Fox News have taken over his brain and implanted it with an alternate universe Nick Goich. ‪#‎SorryHillary‬‪#‎NickGoichForTrump2015‬

NICK: I grabbed a glass of Diet Coke yesterday in the dining room at dinner. Turns out it wasn’t Diet Coke, it was prune juice. ME: How can you mistake Diet Coke for prune juice? NICK: I can tell you my ass didn’t mistake it. I was up all night shittin’ like a goose!

MY DAD COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS BUM KNEE THIS MORNING ME: Nothing else is working, why don’t you try acupuncture? NICK: I need acupuncture like I need a hole in the head. ‪#‎doesntevenknowhemadeajoke‬

I realized this morning that my dad’s “I’ll just make a long story short” stories are as not-short as my “I’ll just make a long story short” stories.

MY DAD TONIGHT ON PEOPLE SUGGESTING HIS HEARING ISN’T QUITE WHAT IT USED TO BE – NICK: My television goes up to 60. I put it at 25. Is that hard of hearing? You and your brother put your TVs down so low (mine, right now is at 28, for the record) I can’t g******…